---

.

APPARENTLY…. WHAT MEN WANT

 

---

.

       GARDENING WITH GOD

GOD said:

"Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles."

ST. FRANCIS:

It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:

Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:

Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:

The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:

Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:

They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:

Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:

They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:

No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:

Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:

Yes, Sir.

GOD:

These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:

You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:

What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:

You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:

No!!! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:

After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch.. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:

And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:

They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:

Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:

‘Dumb and Dumber’, Lord. It’s a story about….

GOD:

Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis

.

 

 

 

---

 

---

 

              AN AUSTRALIAN LOVE POEM

Of course I love ya darling
You’re a bloody top-notch bird,
And when I say you’re gorgeous
I mean every single word.

So ya bum is on the big side
I don’t mind a bit of flab,
It means that when I’m ready
There’s somethin there to grab.

So your belly isn’t flat no more
I tell ya, I don’t care,
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms ’round there.

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts,
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best.

I’m tellin’ ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies,
I think its very sexy
That you’ve got dimples on ya thighs.

I swear on me nanna’s grave now
The moment that we met,
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get.

No matter what u look like
I’ll always love ya dear,
But shut up while the footy’s on
And fetch another beer.

.

---

 

---

   

YOU KNOW YOU’VE TURNED INTO A MOM WHEN..

You automatically double-knot everything you tie

 

You find yourself humming a Wiggles song as you do the dishes

 

You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school

 

You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with apple sauce

 

You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you

 

You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells

 

You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don’t you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"

 

You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you’ve reached over and started to cut up his steak

 

 

---

         PARENT’S DICTIONARY

DUMBWAITER:
one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert

FEEDBACK:
the inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots

FULL NAME:
what you call your child when you’re mad at him

GRANDPARENTS:
the people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right

HEARSAY:
what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word

INDEPENDENT:
how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say

OW:
the first word spoken by children with older siblings

PUDDLE:
a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it

SHOW OFF:
a child who is more talented than yours

STERILIZE:
what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva

TOP BUNK:
where you should never put a child wearing Superman pyjamas

TWO-MINUTE WARNING:
when the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises

VERBAL:
able to whine in words

WHODUNIT:
none of the kids that live in your house

 

 

 

 

---

 

 

WHY THE EASTER BUNNY BRINGS EGGS

Big tax write-off.

Who ever heard of Easter Bricks?

Consider all of the varieties: scrambled, over easy, hard boiled.

He gets a good deal from the local chickens.

Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose.

Pressure from the Egg Marketing Board.

Because if it brought bottle rockets it would be the Independence Bunny.

Would you want to hunt for waffles?

He thinks guys should get chicks at least once a year.

Because the Energizer rabbit got the good job

 

---

 

 

.

---

 

EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW, I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY

 

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

Walk softly and carry a big carrot.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There’s no such thing as too much candy.

All work and no play can make you a basket case.

A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Some body parts should be floppy.

Keep your paws off other people’s jellybeans.

Good things come in small-sugarcoated packages.

The grass is greener in someone else’s basket.

An Easter bonnet can cover the wildest hare.

To show your true colours, you have to come out of your shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

 

.

---

 

---

     SENIOR BUMPER STICKERS

 

 

.

 

---

MEDICAL MADNESS

.

 

---

    MORE SIGNS

 

---

       MODERN WISDOM

Before you speak, listen.

Before you write, think.

Before you spend, earn.

Before you invest, investigate.

Before you criticize, wait.

Before you pray, forgive.

Before you quit, try.

Before you retire, save.

Before you die, give.

.

---

          ECONOMICS

.

 

 

 

.

---

   MALE OR FEMALE?

 

FREEZER BAGS:

-  Male  -   because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS:

– Female   – because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again.  They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TYRES:

– Male   – because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS:

– Male   -  because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under them

SPONGES:

– Female   -   because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:

– Female   -  because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS:

– Definitely male  -  because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS:

-  Female   -   because over time all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS:

– Male -  because in the last 5000 years they’ve hardly changed at all and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL:

– Female   (You probably thought it would be male?)  -  because it easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push he just keeps trying

 

 

---

 

         MARRIAGE   

is like a deck of cards

In the beginning …………

 all you need is two hearts     and a diamond

By the end…………..

You’ll wish you had a  club     and a spade…..

.

 

---

 

             

 

 UNDERSTANDING SENIOR CITIZENS TEXTS

ATD               At The Doctor’s
BTW               Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT             Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM               Covered By Medicare
CGU               Can’t get up
CGIU              Can’t get IT up
CUATSC         See You At The Senior Centre
DWI                Driving While Incontinent
FWB                Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW              Forgot Where I Was
FYI                  Found Your Insulin
GGPBL            Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA               Got Heartburn Again
HGBM             Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO              Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO             Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL                Living On Lipitor
LWO               Lawrence Welk’s On
OMMR            On My Massage Recliner
OMSG             Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
PIMP               Pooped in my pants
ROFL… CGU  Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up
SGGP              Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL              Talk To You Louder
WAITT           Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA            Wet The Furniture Again
WTP               Where’s The Prunes?
WWNO           Walker Wheels Need Oil
GLKI               Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

 

---

 

    UNIVERSAL LAWS

Law of Mechanical Repair 
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
 Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law 
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath 
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

The Coffee Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors’ Law
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

 

.

---

     

       RULES FOR BEING AN AUSTRALIAN MAN

 

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a buck’s night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is OK for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

• When a heroic dog dies to save its master
• The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
• After wrecking your boss’ car
• One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game"

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you’ve known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate’s fridge is forbidden.  Complain, at will, if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.  In fact, even remembering your mate’s birthday is strictly optional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

10. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alco pop drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel… and it’s free

11. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

12. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

13. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14. If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

15. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both – that’s just mean.

19. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a mate of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

21. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

22. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes.

23. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

24. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.5 litres. Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 1.8 litres, 16 valves, and a turbo.

25. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

26. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you’d know what I want!" gets an XBox 360.

.

---

---

.

.

 

DEFINITIONS

 

 

MARRIAGE:

It’s an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

TEARS:

The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power!

SMILE:

A curve that can set a lot of things straight!

EXPERIENCE:

The name men give to their Mistakes

POLITICIAN:

One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence later

BOSS:

Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early

YAWN:

The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth

MISER:

A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH!

ECSTASY:

A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before

.

.

More Fun & Games

Fun & Games New | Fun & Games Again | Fun & Games