Fun & Games Again
THE TWELVE HOURS OF CHRISTMAS
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”Tis the morning of Christmas, a day hot as hell.
All the family rise early. It starts off quite well,
Gifts are torn open with the usual thrill
In an atmosphere drenched in peace and goodwill.
The turkey is stuffed in the oven with care.
The table is laid with a fine festive air.
Best glasses are out. A nice nibbles display
To enhance the good time we expect on this day.
Uncle Jock arrives first, as p***ed as a newt.
It’s 90 degrees but he’s wearing a suit.
Mum’s lips are compressed, but Dad’s full of good cheer
As he opens for Jock a new bottle of beer.
Then the rellies roll in, with greetings and kisses.
Divorced Uncle Freddie has brought his new missus.
There’s Grandma and Grandad, and Great-Grandpa too
Who’ll be found hours later asleep on the loo.
The kids play outside as the drinks start to flow
And soon everyone’s washed in a warm friendly glow.
Until Auntie Maud comments Aunt Lil is a tart
Which sets off the signal for the feuding to start.
Young Jen’s ‘up the duff’, and Wal’s doing time,
Jock’s a mad alcoholic and Freddie’s a swine,
As for old Dan with his filthy old leer .
Lil’s husband jobbed him when he goosed her last year.
Mum sweats in the kitchen, her face flaming red.
The three little sherries have gone to her head.
The bird’s burnt to a crisp. The pudding’s the pits
(But will get torn apart for the threepenny bits).
The rellies are sloshed, so they don’t see the faults
For the duration of eating all fighting halts
So they fall upon dinner without any din,
And gluttony reigns as they shovel it in.
When bellies are full, then it’s time for a snooze
Though there’s still a few stayers downing the booze.
Through the hot afternoon while they’re having their naps,
I’m out in the kitchen snuffling their scraps.
When Aunt Maud hits the ivories, the kids disappear
But they’re soon rounded up with clips on the ear
To sing out of tune, to dance or recite
While the adults applaud with pretended delight.
Aunt Maud is the pressed to play songs of the season
Adults think their voices are good (without reason)
So I howl while they belt out the carols of yore
Accompanied by grandfather’s thunderous snore
By nightfall the kids are all cranky and sleepy
And the maudlin drunks are becoming quite weepy
By the time the last rellie has gone out the door
Mum is swearing she’ll host Christmas no more.
And as for myself, as I gnaw on a bone
In my kennel, I’m sad that they’ve all gone off home.
For to me this long day is all barking good fun.
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HOLIDAY EATING TIPS
Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it.
Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
Same for pies. Apple - Pumpkin – Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
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OUT .oo
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES ..
NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’
OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .’
KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now.. She’s hitting the bottle.’
MORE NUDITY A young boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’
POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’
POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my dog Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked. ‘It sure is,’ I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’
ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly people, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’
DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’ ‘And why not, darling?’ ‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’
DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)
SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’
BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. ‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out. ‘What have you got there, dear?’ With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’
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OLDIES ~ BUT GOODIES .
♥ Two blondes walked into a building……….you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
♥ Phone answering machine message – ‘…If you want marijuana, press the hash key…’
♥ I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
♥ I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, ‘No, the steaks are too high..’
♥ My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
♥ A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.
♥ I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.
♥ Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
♥ Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
♥ Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’
♥ Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’. ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.’ ‘ Is it common? ‘ ‘It’s not unusual.’
♥ A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. ‘My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”Well,’ says the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him’ So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed? ‘ ‘No, because he’s really heavy’
♥ What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
♥ So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
♥ Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
♥ ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’
♥ A man walked into the doctors, he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places’ The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there anymore’ . .
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PADDY’S PROVERBS
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♦ A day without sunshine is like night
♦ On the other hand, you have different fingers
♦ 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot
♦ 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
♦ Remember, half the people you know are below average
♦ He who laughs last, thinks slowest
♦ Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
♦ The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap
♦ Support bacteria - They’re the only culture most people have
♦ A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
♦ Change is inevitable, except from vending machines
♦ If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments
♦How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand
♦ OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
♦When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane
♦ Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now
♦How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
♦ Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines
♦ What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
♦Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
♦ Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, ‘What the heck happened?’
♦ Just remember -if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off
♦ Light travels faster than sound - That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
♦ Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow
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. THE SUNDAY SERMON .
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol – Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead
The Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive
So the Minister asked the congregation – What did you learn from this demonstration?
Johnny was sitting in the back, quickly raised his hand and said, ‘As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!’ That pretty much ended the service ~
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IDLE THOUGHTS
of a Retiree’s Wandering Mind….
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I had amnesia once – or twice
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Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic
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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy
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If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle
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What is a "free" gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
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They told me I was gullible and I believed them
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Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway
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Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone
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One nice thing about egotists … they don’t talk about other people
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My weight is perfect for my height … which varies
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I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not sure.
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The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity
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How can there be self-help groups?
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If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
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Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off
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LUIGI THE BUSINESSMAN
Luigi (the father… says to his son): ‘I want you to marry a girl of my choice.’
Son says: ‘I will choose my own bride!!!’
Luigi says: ‘But the girl is Bill Gates’ daughter…’
Son answers: ‘Well, in that case…..ok’
Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates and says.
‘I have a husband for your daughter.’
Bill Gates answers: ‘But my daughter is too young to marry!!’
Luig says: ‘But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank’.
Bill Gates answers: ‘Ah, in that case…..ok’
Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Luigi says: ‘I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.’
President answers: ‘But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!’
Luigi says: ‘But this young man is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.’
President answers: ‘Ah, in that case…..ok’
And that is how Italians do business 😉
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YOU KNOW YOU’RE TOO OLD
TO GO TRICK OR TREATING WHEN ….
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You get winded from knocking on the door.
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You have to have another kid chew the candy for you
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You ask for high fiber candy only
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When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over
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People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you’re not wearing a mask
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When the door opens you yell, "Trick or………." – and you can’t remember the rest
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By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders
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You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece
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You’re the only Ghost in the neighborhood with a walker
And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating…
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You keep having to go home to pee
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AN AUSTRALIAN LOVE POEM
Of course I love ya darling
You’re a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you’re gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don’t mind a bit of flab
It means that when I’m ready
There’s somethin there to grab
So your belly isn’t flat no more
I tell ya, I don’t care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I’m tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you’ve got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna’s grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as I Was ever gonna get
No matter wot u look like
I’ll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy’s on
And fetch another beer
(Who said Australians aren’t romantic?)
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CHOOK STORY Farmer Dale lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said, "You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW:
SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.." He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign… It might be something that we could use to slow down drivers…" So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray painted on a sheet of wood…. NUDIST COLONY Go slow and watch out for chicks .
OBSERVATIONS OF GROWING OLDER
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It’s harder to tell navy from black
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Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you’re too old to wear it the 2nd time around
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Your kids are becoming you … but your grandchildren are perfect
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Yellow becomes the big colour … walls… hair… teeth
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Going out is good. Coming home is better
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When people say you look "Great" .. they add "for your age"
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When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything: movies, hotels, flights
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You forget names – but it’s OK because other people forgot they even knew you
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The last 2 outfits you wore had spots on them
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You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks and they tell you the truth
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The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds
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You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything… especially golf
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Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember
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The things you cared to do, you don’t care to do, but you care that you don’t care to do them anymore
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Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring then he does in bed. (It’s called his "pre-sleep")
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Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident
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You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married". Now, " I hope they STAY married!"
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The best place to have a conversation with your husband is in the bathroom…you have his full attention
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Who wants to wear 3" heels anyway?
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You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch
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When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table
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You use more 4 letter words…"what? "… "when? " ???
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Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it any where
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Your husband has a night out with the guys but he’s home by 9:00pm – next week it will be 8:30 pm
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You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve read it before
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You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless" ?
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Many of the people in "People" magazine you’ve never heard of
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Your concealer doesn’t conceal
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Your lipstick bleeds
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Your mascara clumps and your eyebrows are disappearing
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You don’t have hair under your arms and very little on your legs but your chin needs to be plucked daily
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What used to be freckles are now liver spots
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Everybody whispers
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Now that your husband has retired … you’d give anything if he’d find a job!
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. . INTERESTING FACTS
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In the 1400’s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have ‘the rule of thumb’
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Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled ‘Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden’…and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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the first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades – King David Hearts – Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds – Julius Caesar
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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Most boat owners name their boats. The most popular boat name requested is Obsession
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If you were to spell out numbers, you would have to go to One Thousand until you would find the letter ‘A’?
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Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers were all invented by women
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Honey is the only food that doesn’t spoil
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In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase……… ‘goodnight, sleep tight.’
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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them ‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.’ It’s where we get the phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’
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Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. ‘Wet your whistle’ is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING
◊ Rubber bands last longer when refrigerate
◊ Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite
◊ The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing
◊ A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes
◊ There are more chickens than people in the world
◊ Two thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey
◊ The longest one syllable word in the English language is "screeched" ◊ On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag
◊ All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20
◊ No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple
◊ "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt"
◊ All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back on the $5 bill
◊ Almonds are a member of the peach family ◊ Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable
◊ Los Angeles’ full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
◊ A cat has 32 muscles in each ear
◊ An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain
◊ Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur
◊ In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10
◊ Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer
◊ A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours
◊ A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds
◊ A dime has 118 ridges around the edge
◊ It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open
◊ In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak
◊ The average person falls asleep in seven minutes
◊ There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball
◊ "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand
THE DOG SHOW
There was a time, there really was,
When I was sweet and tender;
When Show Dog meant a Disney Star, and bitch was not a gender.
I went to bed at half past ten;
I went to church on Sunday;
On Saturday I baked the beans and did the wash on Monday.
But then I got a certain pup,
And an erstwhile friend said "SHOW",
And so I did and so I do, OH! What I didn’t know.
I used to dress with flair and style,
That was the life, don’t knock it.
But now each dress from bed to ball
Must have a good bait pocket.
I used to have a certain air, I wallowed in perfume,
I used to smell of Niut D’Amour, Now I smell like Mr Groom.
My furniture was haute decor, My pets a tank of guppies.
Now I’ve furniture unstuffed, And well-adjusted puppies.
Once I spoke in pristine prose, In dulcet tones and frail,
But now I’m using language, That would turn a sailor pale.
I was taught to be well groomed no matter where I went.
Now all the grooming that I do is in the handler’s tent.
I used to long for furs and jewels And a figure classed as super,
Now the thing I yearn for most is a nice new pooper scooper.
I adored a man who murmured verse, through intimate little dinners,
But now the words I thrill to hear, Are just three-"Best of Winners".
I rise at dawn and pack the car, the road ahead’s a long one.
The one I routed on the maps, Invariably’s the wrong one.
I really love this doggy life, I wouldn’t care to change it.
But when I get that Best in Show, I plan to rearrange it.
When my time on earth is done, I’ll go without much nudging.
Just give me three weeks closing date, and let me know who’s judging
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THE GRANDMA TESTI was out walking with my Granddaughter.
She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
‘Why?’ my Granddaughter asked.
‘Because it’s been on the ground; you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs,’ I replied.
At this point, my Granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, ‘Grandma, how do you know all this stuff?? You are so smart.’
I was thinking quickly and said to her. ‘All Grandmas know this stuff. It’s on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Grandma."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
‘Oh…..I get it!’ she beamed, ‘So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the Grandpa".
‘Exactly,’ I replied with a big smile on my face.
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PADDY ONCE AGAINPaddy’s pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, ‘Ma’am, you had twins….a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, ‘ Oh sweet suffering Mother of Jesus no, not me brother, he’s a fecking clueless idiot…
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,’ Well, what’s my daughter’s name?’
‘Denise’ says the doctor.
The new mother is somewhat relieved, ‘Wow, that’s a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother’, she thought….’I really like Denise ‘
Then she asks, ‘ What’s the boy’s name?’
The doctor replies ‘ Denephew ‘
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DROLLERIESThose who jump off a bridge in Paris are in-Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu — the same mustard as before.
Practise safe eating — always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbaking makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it’s two tyred.
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: it taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller prison escapee is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
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ONLY AUSSIES
Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
Only in Australia … can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Australia … do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Australia … do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Australia … do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Australia … do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
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IN AUSTRALIA….
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call’. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. ‘O.K., thank you,’ said the American .
He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same ‘$US10,000 per call’ sign under it.
The American, decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived at the Gold Coast, in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read ’40 cents per call.’
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. ‘Father, I’ve traveled all over the world and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?’ The priest smiled and answered, ‘You’re in Australia now, son – it’s a local call’. 😉
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NECK EXERCISE:
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EIGHT WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n..
Female……. Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male….. Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n …
Female…. The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys..
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female…. A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book..
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female….. An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male……. A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
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CHILDREN’S SCIENCE EXAM….. answers given by children to a science exam:
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts — the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarian Section.’
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word ‘benign’ mean?’
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
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NEWSFLASH:
The correct way to weigh yourself
(I can’t believe I was doing it wrong all these years)
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BARRY’S PROVERBS1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, ‘What the heck happened?’
22. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow..
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BANKS IN JAPAN HIT BY RECESSION
Origami Bank Folded
Sumo Bank Belly Up
Bonsai Bank Cut Some Branches
Kariaoke Bank Gone for a Song
Sushi Bank Raw Deal
Karate Bank The Chop
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SIGNS Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a Memphis department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER COFFEE BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE COFFEE POT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 WHEN..
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.
FORGETTER BE FORGOTTEN
My forgetter’s getting better, But my rememberer is broke To you that may seem funny But, to me, that is no joke
For when I’m ‘here’ I’m wondering If I really should be ‘there’ And, when I try to think it through, I haven’t got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room, Say ‘what am I here for?’ I wrack my brain, but all in vain! A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone, Say ‘Hi’ and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, ‘who the hell was that?’
Yes, my forgetter’s getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it’s driving me plumb crazy And that isn’t any joke.
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AND GOD AGREED……On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed……
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed……
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again……
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
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SUMMARY OF LIFE
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GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
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No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats. .
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When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
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If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
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Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. .
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You can’t trust dogs to watch your food. .
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Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. .
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Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. .
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You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. .
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Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
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Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree. .
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Wrinkles don’t hurt. .
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Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts .
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Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground. .
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Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside. .
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Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
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Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. .
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Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. .
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When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there. .
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You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. .
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It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions .
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Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician .
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Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
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You believe in Santa Claus. .
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You don’t believe in Santa Claus. .
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You are Santa Claus. .
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You look like Santa Claus.
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A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote:
I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:
"Sir: I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
…… And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too."
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PADDY’S DAMAGED FOOT
McCarthy blacksmith came in with a badly damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for McCarthy was a careful man. "What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked. "Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe……"
"But about your foot…..?" "This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn’t. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug.
"The next night she came in and the girl hadn’t a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."
"What has that got to do with your foot, McCarthy?" asked the doctor impatiently.
"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."
MAN’S BEST FRIEND
Farmer O’Toole lived for many years with only his dog for a companion. One sad day he found his dog dead from old age. He went to his parish priest and asked if services could be said for his dog. The good father said "oh no, we can’t have services for a dog here, but there’s a new church down the street that might be wiling."
"Father do you think $50,000 might be enough of a donation?" asked farmer O’Toole.
"Well man, why didn’t you tell me your dog was a catholic!"
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THOU SHALT NOT……
Thou shalt not sniff the crotch of everyone thy encountereth
Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping
Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence and then walk away as if thou hast been offended by me!
Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watchest me eat.
Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 3 a.m.
Thou shalt not WATCHEST the cat while she is in her litterbox. (she liketh her privacy)
Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises
Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thy findeth in the yard
Thou shalt not run away in pursuit of a good time. (thou hast been neutered)
Thou shalt refrain with becoming overly friendly with my mother-in-law’s leg
Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company
Thou shalt not hide thy bones under my pillow.
Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet
Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree
Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.
Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat’s litter box.
Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.
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CHURCH BULLETINS
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice..
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.
VIRUS ALERTS
BOBBIT VIRUS:
Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it (But that part will never work again).
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:
Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism”.
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS:
Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.
FREUDIAN VIRUS:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
ELVIS VIRUS:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
NIKE VIRUS:
Just does it
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS:
Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
THE DENNIS RODUMAN VIRUS:
The desktop pattern/picture/colour changes radically every 2 or 3 days.
O J SIMPSON VIRUS:
You know it’s guilty of trashing your system, but you just can’t prove it.
SPEED VIRUS:
Puts a bomb on your Local Bus and threatens to detonate it if it goes below 50 megabits per second.
CAPTAIN KIRK VIRUS:
Your computer. Talks. In short. Sentences. And you. Don’t know why.
BOBBIT VIRUS #2:
Turns your hard drive into a floppy.
FORREST GUMP VIRUS:
You take apart your computer to find nothing but a box of chocolates inside.
ENERGIZER VIRUS:
Once this virus is executed it keeps going and going and going.
LABORATORY SCIENTIST VIRUS:
Runs an experiment that turns your mouse into a rat.
AGRICULTURE VIRUS:
Takes your root directory and lets it grow and branch out into a tree.
JANE FONDA VIRUS:
Attacks your hard drive’s FAT.
WOODY ALLEN VIRUS:
Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
TONYA HARDING VIRUS:
Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons.
THE GENERATION GAP
The Silent Generation are people born before 1946. The Baby Boomers are people born between 1946 and 1959. Generation X are people born between 1960 and 1979. Generation Y are people born between 1980 and 1995.
~~ Why do we call the last one generation Y? ….. a cartoonist explains it eloquently below
(from 1981 National Dog Annual)
EIGHT WORDS with TWO MEANINGS
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.. Female……. Any part under a car’s hood. Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another. Male….. Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n … Female…. The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys..
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n. Female…. A desire to get married and raise a family.! Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.. Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female….. An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male……. A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES
What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Television 2) Telephone 3) Tell a woman
What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me…’
How do you fix a woman’s watch? You don’t. There is a clock on the oven..
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won’t do what she’s told
I married a Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%… It’s called a Wedding Cake.
PADDY THE IRISHMAN … again
Paddy, the Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.’
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs! ‘Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said. ‘Did you follow my instructions?’
The Irishman nodded. ‘I’ll tell you though, by golly, I t’aut I were goin’ to drop dead on dat 3rd day.’ ‘
From the hunger, you mean?’ asked the doctor. ‘
No, from all the skippin’!!!!!!
DOGGIE PRAYER
Now I lay me down to sleep,
The king sized bed is soft and deep.
I sleep right in the center groove,
My human beings can hardly move.
I’ve trapped their legs, they’re tucked in tight,
And here is where I pass the night
No one disturbs me or dares intrude,
Till morning comes and "I want food!"
I sneak up slowly to begin,
And nibble on my human’s chin.
For the morning’s here, it’s time to play…
I always seem to get my way.
So thank you Lord for giving me,
This human person that I see.
The one who hugs me and holds me tight,
And shares their bed with me at night.
(unknown)
AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE
IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open Stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It’s tacky to take an Esky to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don’t allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one’s OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn’t a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook – especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago.’
3. Establish with her parents what time she’s expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it’s the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your guns are loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn’t always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
LAMENT OF A STUD DOG
My job is making puppies,
I get two tries at that.
They pat me on the head,
Say "good boy" and that’s that.
It’s half my job to give ’em teeth,
Toplines, fronts, and other.
Remember, it’s only half my job.
They also have a mother.
It’s not my job to carry pups,
Make ’em grow and nurse ’em,
Feed and clean, make ’em strong,
That’s for their mother and a person.
It’s not my job to wean,
Feed the supplements and the food,
Stack, gait and housebreak,
Make ’em a showing brood.
It’s not my job to plan the breeding,
Learn what produces well.
To study pedigrees, find out what’s there,
What to pick out and what to sell.
It’s not my job to deliver a winner,
t’s only genes I sell.
But let the puppies turn out bad,
And guess who catches hell!
— Author unknown
I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
PADDY AGAIN
Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a Coastal village in Ireland . Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works.
He was a man of regular habits. He always arrived home each day at a certain time.
Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.
One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing.
They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt, beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he’d tried to hoist aboard.
Headlines next day in the ‘Irish Times Newspaper’ Said…………………………………..
OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!
THE OUTBACK AUSSIE
Crikey, what a little bewdy! - What a marvellous specimen
What a stinker of a day! - It’s a hot day!
Bog in and have some tucker - Let’s eat
He was spewin’! - Very unhappy/agitated
Take a squiz at this - Have a look
Give it a burl - Go on, try it
As mad as a cut snake - Very angry
Strewth! - What a surprise!
It’s carked it - It’s dead/doesn’t work
Way out to billy-o! - A long way
What a rip-snorter! - It’s fantastic!
Flat out like a lizard drinkin’ - Very busy
We’re up the creek! - In trouble
It’s gone walkabout - It’s lost, can’t be found
She looked like a stunned mullet! - She was shocked
I reckon! - Yes, absolutely
It’s ridgie didge! - Genuine, true
PADDY …. AGAIN
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbour’s dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says ‘To hell with this!’ and storms off. He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks, ‘What did you do?’ Paddy replies, ‘I’ve put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!’
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say ‘Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!’
Paddy says ‘What’s his name?’
Mick replies ‘Miles from London!’
GOD’S FINEST
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day of creation, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the cow) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
AGELESS
I’ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night" Age 6 I’ve learned that our dog doesn’t want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7
I’ve learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
I’ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes clean it up again. Age 12 I’ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14
I’ve learned that although it’s hard to admit it, I’m secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
I’ve learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24
I’ve learned that brushing my child’s hair is one of life’s great pleasures. Age 26
I’ve learned that wherever I go, the world’s worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29
I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30
I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don’t know how to show it. Age 42 I’ve learned that you can make someone’s day by simply sending them a little note. Age 44
I’ve learned that the greater a person’s sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46
I’ve learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47
I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on. Age 48
I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52
I’ve learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 53 I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 55
I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58 I’ve learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage. Age 61 I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62 I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64
I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65
I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66 I’ve learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I’ve learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I’ve seen several. Age 75
I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. Age 82 I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch–holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85 I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92
FIRST TIME AT A DOG SHOW
First time at a Dog Show, I’ll tell you quite plain I’ll never, no never, go near one again The breeder said “Show him” when I bought my dog I showed him alright, the whole place was agog.
They gave me a number, they gave me a pin But I couldn’t bear to stick the thing in So I rushed to a shop and bought some clear glue And I stuck the card onto his back in the loo.
We arrived at the ringside to find we were first In the dog pup class (this part is the worst) We marched in together as fas as was able Arrived at the judge who said “Up on the table”.
This really surprised me, my skirt was quite tight And I just couldn’t make it, try as hard as I might The judge looked quite worried, he said “Listen here, Put your dog on the table, not you my dear”
By now I was trembling I felt such a fool But I said to myself “Play it cool… play it cool” “How old” said the judge, I heard it quite clear, Well really, I thought, and said “Thirty next year”.
The Steward poor fellow, threw a kind of a fit, He spluttered, he coughed, and his eyes ran a bit. “I’d have that cough seen to” I said to him when He’d finally stopped … then he started again.
“Once round the ring dear, as fast as you can” Said the judge, so I did, I just ran and ran. But when I arrived (out of breath I’ll admit), The judge said “your DOG dear”, I felt such a twit.
Off round once again, I kept my head bent Oh the shame, my pup crouched, he just went and he went A lady came running with bucket and spade, With manure so pricey, has she got it made!
We came back to the judge who said with a frown “Stand your dog” I said “Please Sir, He’s not lying down” “You can take the First Place Stand” he said … I said “ta” What a job I had getting that stand in the car!
(unknown)
MORE ABOUT THE IRISH SETTER
Head The irish setter head is of great importance – without it the dog loses all expression and bumps into things. Dogs without heads should only be shown under all-rounders – specialist judges tend to notice this failing.
Eyes They should be open, and there should be 2 (two) of them. They should both look in the same direction. If they don’t, train the dog to keep them shut.
Teeth Should be white, and should not stick out too far, or in too much. If they get grey or dirty yellow a mixture of sand and Ajax applied with a wire brush will get them sparkling white in no time. It may make the gums bleed but there is nothing in the Standard about bleeding gums.
Neck The neck should be long, strong and arched, preferably at the head end of the body as there is a common conception that the neck is to join the head to the body. Dogs without necks may suffer from malnutrition due to difficulty in transferring food from the mouth to the stomach region.
Legs The irish setter should have 4 (four) legs, one at each corner. They should be long enough to reach the ground. If they don’t you have a problem. It is also desirable to have all four legs the same length, otherwise the dog will walk with a tilt.
THE NEW AND TRUE IRISH SETTER STANDARD
Appearance The Irish Setter is an active, aristocratic bird dog, rich red in color, substantial yet elegant in build. It has the most incredible sense of humor and should be quite inventive, if not devious, in the antics it can come up with to keep life interesting for an unwitting humun.
Balance At their best, the lines of the Irish Setter so satisfy in overall balance that artists have termed it the most beautiful of all dogs. The correct specimen always exhibits balance, whether standing, sitting, spinning, dashing thorugh mudpuddles after a new bath or circling round and round and round to find the true and correct spot on the sofa.
Each part of the dog flows and fits smoothly into its neighboring parts without calling attention to itself.with possible exception to the tail, which has the uncanny ability to knock over a fresh coffee cup on any coffee table, computer desk, and especially from the cup holder in your new leather-seated vehicle.
Size, Proportion, Substance There is no disqualification as to size. The inherent ability to countersurf and to remove the bag of bread flour shoved way to the back of the counter or to reach the brand new roll of paper towels must not be compromised by a lack of size.
Proportion — the Irish Setter is slightly longer than it is tall. This allows even an average sized setter to be able to stretch up and reach objects like a new bag of rawhide chewies from the top of the refrigerator.
Substance- The Irish has a well-developed skeletal system that is made of of fairly rubbery bones. It can richocet off a kitchen cabinet or stove with style and grace as it chases a tennis ball. This substance is easy confirmed as you become the ricochet wall and go flying to land face-first in said muddy yard when moments ago you were very vertical, waiting for all the potty stops to get done so you can go off to work. The size of the mud puddle is directly proportionate to the price tag on your new suit.
Head Beauty of head is emphasized by delicate chiseling along the muzzle, which is often clearly defined by the delicate little drool bubbles and the amazingly long strand of drool that swings and sways with the dog’s every movement.
Expression soft, yet alert. In the blink of an eye can express begging, pleading and when accompanied with a soft sigh and a chin droop to the human’s knee has the ability to get whatever it wants! Can also switch from soft & alert to down-right gleaming with devilment as the setter suddenly remembers that there is a BLT sandwich on the kitchen counter while it’s foolish human turned to get a beverage from the refrigerator.
Muzzle moderately deep, jaws of nearly equal length, the underline of the jaws being almost parallel with the top line of the muzzle. The lower lips must not have the ability to hold water, each setter must make repetitive trips to the water bucket, drooling and slobbering a minimum of half the bucket over any freshly waxed floor. This standard changes only if there is a new or valuable carpet area ANYWHERE in the house, and then the setter is able to carry approximately 4 cups of water to said area before the flukely flews do their deed.
Feetrather small, very firm, toes arched and close. And must have the power of a jackhammer when your exhuberent little darling decides that you have made the mistake of finding the true and correct spot on the couch. The nimble setter leaps over the arm of the couch landing firmly and squarely on your unprotected stomach with rather small, very firm feet. As you roll up into a ball on the floor, trying to regain your breath, your lovely redhead is going around & around to re-establish that true and correct spot, and once settled down, will reach down and give you a nice wet doggy kiss.
Coat Short and fine on head and forelegs. On all other parts of moderate length and flat. Feathering long and silky on ears; on back of forelegs and thighs long and fine, with a pleasing fringe of hair on belly and brisket extending onto the chest. Fringe on tail moderately long and tapering. The hair coat itself can grow to dramatic lengths, but even the shortest piece of hair has the ability to grow legs and travel rapidly across a kitchen floor to evade the broom. Setter hair also has the ability to grow microscopic wings, enabling it to fly from room to room, as well as from the very back of your car to the driver’s area. It has a strong affinity for ocular moisture, and will invariably slam you right under your upper eyelid as you attempt to merge onto the freeway at rush hour.
Gait At the trot the gait is big, very lively, graceful and efficient. Especially when your freshly bathed, but not yet dry setter escapes his english leash & hits the back doggie door to gambol around the mudholes left from the thunderstorms. There are some properties in mud water that interfere with a setter’s hearing as you scream at him to come back, as well as to his balance, as he repeatedly trips and falls in the deepest, muddiest areas of the yard. And the flips you off with that famous setter grin, and ROLLS in the muck!
Temperament The Irish Setter has a rollicking personality. It has the quickest mind to devise mischievious antics designed to drive it’s humans into fits of hiccuping laughter and well as mutterings of how this particular dog is going cause a human drinking problem. An outgoing, stable temperament is the essence of the Irish Setter. …. HAH!!!! STABLE??? An Irish scoffs at the idea, and then lives each day to convince you that they are anything but! Stable? You want stable? Go get some wood and build one! You can use it to store all your valuable antiques, art work, porcelains and those good oriental carpets.
(reprinted with the kind permission of author Lynne Harley)
