Fun & Games



alcohols,beverages,bottles,dining,drinks,food,spirits,wines ALCOHOL ABUSE

A man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “My wife.”




A  person who has stopped growing at both ends and  is now growing in the middle.


A place  where women curl up and dye.


Someone  who is fed up with people.


The only  animals you eat before they are born and after  they are dead.


A body  that keeps minutes and wastes  hours.


Mud with  the juice squeezed out.


Someone  who is usually me-deep in  conversation.


Cold  Storage.


Cutting  money in half without damaging the  paper.


An  insect that makes you like flies  better.


Grape  with sunburn.


Something  you tell to one person at a  time.


A bunch  of bones with the person scraped  off.


The pain  that drives you to  extraction.


One of  the greatest labour saving devices of  today.


An  honest opinion openly  expressed.


Something  other people have – similar  to my character lines.





LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: A liquid which, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get the drool on the human.

SNIFF: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and mouldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans emain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.

BATH : If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous, and they use this degrading form of torture to get even.   Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.

LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command “sit!,” especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn’t get the attention you require … especially effective when combined with the sniff. See above.

CHILDREN: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running, they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.

LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.











Yin Yang Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just go away and leave me alone

Yin Yang Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

Yin Yang Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Yin Yang If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Yin Yang Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Yin Yang If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Yin Yang Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Yin Yang If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

Yin Yang If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything

Yin Yang Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

Yin Yang Good judgment comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad judgment.

Yin Yang A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Yin Yang There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

Yin Yang Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

Yin Yang Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Yin Yang We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our backside ~ then things just keep getting worse.

Yin Yang Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.





A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, ‘I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?’

‘My wife’s.

”What happened to her?’

The man replied, ‘My dog attacked and killed her’

He inquired further, ‘But who is in the second hearse?’

The man answered, ‘My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.’

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

‘Can I borrow the dog?’

The man replied, ‘Get in line.’


beware of dog

clip_image001[1] FEED THE PIGEONS


Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every  day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world  problems.

One day Bill didn’t show up.

Sam didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.  But after Bill hadn’t shown up for a week or so,  Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever  got together was at the park, Sam didn’t know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and – lo and behold! – there sat Bill!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.  Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?’  Bill  replied, ‘I’ve been in jail.’

‘Jail?’ cried  Sam. ‘What in the world for?’

‘Well,’ Bill  said, ‘you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?’   ‘Yeah,’ said Sam, ‘I remember her.  What about her?’

‘Well, one day she filed rape charges against me;  and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty’…

‘So the judge gave me 30 days for perjury’!!!!!



Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your underwear
Martini Glass

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Beer mug

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
Martini Glass

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
Beer mug

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!
~ Brian O’Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
Martini Glass

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot
Beer mug

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
Martini Glass

To some ! it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Beer mug

Cliff Clavin (of Cheers) was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

Here’s how it went:

“Well ya see, Naum, it’s like this…
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not !



. dog-stuck-in-trees-funny-sayings

. cute-puppy-pictures-puppy-will-dominate-earth


BoyMen are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.  (Kathleen Mifsud)

BoyThe best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

BoyAny husband who says, “My wife and I are completely equal partners,” is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. (Bill Cosby)

BoyI think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)

BoyKeep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut after. (Benjamin Franklin)

BoyMy wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

BoyMy wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

BoyA good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)

BoyI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

BoyWhen women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking. (Elaine Boosler)

BoyNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)

BoyMy mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. (Rita Rudner)

BoyThe secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

BoyAt a party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.” (Anonymous)

BoyWomen will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are beautiful. (Anonymous)



Aussie Outback



4 stages of life



Smokey Macgregor was a Scottish painter who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water…

Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool.  He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

“Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

“Repaint!  Repaint!  And thin no more!”


Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other  filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, ‘I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it — why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?’

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, ‘Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.’


Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin .

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job.”

Murphy, “And why would you be doing that?”

“We both got 19 questions correct.”

“This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.”

Manager, “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.”

Murphy, “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”

Manager, “Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, ‘I don’t know.’

You put down, “Neither do I” !!













22308217.thm KIDS ARE QUICK

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:       Here it is.
TEACHER:    Correct.  Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:        Maria.

TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:  You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN:     K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER:  No, that’s wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE:     Me!

TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:   Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE:       I  is…
TEACHER:     No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I  am.’
MILLIE:       All right…  ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.   Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS:      Because George still had the axe in his hand…

TEACHER:    Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:     No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER:     Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE  :      No, sir. It’s the same dog.

TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:      A teacher

21198533.thm DUMB MEN JOKES

BoyWhy are dumb blonde jokes one liners?

So men can understand them.

BoyWhat is the difference between Government bonds and men?

Government bonds mature

BoyWhat did God say after he created man?

I can do better than that

BoyHow do women define a 50/50 relationship?

We cook/They eat. We clean/they dirty. We iron/they wrinkle

BoyWhat’s the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

BoyHow do men exercise at the beach?

By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

BoyWhat does a man consider a 7 course meal?

A hot dog and a six pack.

BoyWhy are men like noodles?

They are always in hot water, they lack taste, they need dough

Flash score

duck hunt




Driver Safety ~

I can’t use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.

Lawn Care ~

The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless.

The Perfect Man ~

All I’m looking for is a guy who’ll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed

Technology Revolution ~

My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice

Aging ~

Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita




Old age is golden,  I’ve heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I crawl into bed,
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
My eyes on the table until I wake up.

As sleep dims my vision, I say to myself:
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?
But, though nations are warring, and Congress is vexed,
We’ll still stick around to see what happens next!

How do I know my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got up and went!
But, in spite of it all, I’m able to grin
And think of the places my getup has been!

When I was young, my slippers were red;
I could kick up my heels right over my head.
When I was older my slippers were blue,
But still I could dance the whole night through.

Now I am older, my slippers are black.
I huff to the store and puff my way back.
But never you laugh; I don’t mind at all:
I’d rather be huffing than not puff at all!

How do I know my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got up and went!
But, in spite of it all, I’m able to grin
And think of the places my getup has been!

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Open the paper, and read the Obits.
If I’m not there, I know I’m not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed!


44404 CHUCKLES….

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, ‘When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?’

Artie said: ‘I would like them to say I  was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.’

Eugene commented: ‘I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.’

Al said: ‘I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’



Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord… ‘God, what does a million years mean to you?’

The Lord replies, ‘A minute.’

Smith asks, ‘And what does a million dollars mean to you?’

The Lord replies, ‘A penny.’

Smith asks, ‘Can I have a penny?’

The Lord replies, ‘In a minute.’


tax dept


girl-in-poodle-skirt SENIOR DRESS CODE

Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided by us ‘Seniors’:

TN_BFM0109C A nose ring and bifocals
TN_BFM0109C Spiked hair and bald spots
TN_BFM0109C A pierced tongue and dentures
TN_BFM0109C Miniskirts and support hose
TN_BFM0109C Ankle bracelets and corn pads
TN_BFM0109C Speedos and cellulite
TN_BFM0109C A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
TN_BFM0109C Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
TN_BFM0109C Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
TN_BFM0109C Bikinis and liver spots
TN_BFM0109C Mini skirts and varicose veins







John was in the fertilized egg business.  He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.








Bottle feeding:
An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.

How teething babies wash their chins.

One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning:
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name:
What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.

How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out:
What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

When your life was still somewhat your own.

Prepared childbirth:
A contradiction in terms.

A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off:
A child who is more talented than yours.

What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums:
What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning:
When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Able to whine in words

None of the kids that live in your house.

An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”





You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed,”

That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, “She’s fantastic in bed,”

That’s Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed,”

That’s Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I,” and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed,”

That’s Brand Recognition.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.

That’s a Sales Rep.

Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you.

That’s Tech Support.

You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the centre and shout at the top of your lungs, I’m fantastic in bed!”

That’s Junk Mail.



A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name.
He replied, “She called Five Horses“.

The man said, “That’s an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?”
The Old Indian answered, “It old Indian name.  It mean……..

. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!





0008-0802-2219-4632 JOKES

Every dog has its day, only a dog with a broken tail has a weak-end.

as0806tn2 steps

A man was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, “Mark! Mark!”.

Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, “Mark! Mark!”. That did it. He took off full speed and didn’t stop till he was well outside the gates.

As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip.

as0806tn2 steps

My dog is a nuisance. He chases everyone on a bicycle. What can I do?

Take his bike away.

as0806tn2 steps

“Say have you seen my new dog?”


“No, but he drools a little.”

as0806tn2 steps

A man went into a pet shop and asked the assistant if they had any dogs going cheap?

He replied, “Sorry sir all ours go woof.”

as0806tn2 steps

My uncle said, ‘I’ve got this elephant that Won’t talk to me.’

The vet said, ‘What’s his name?’

My uncle said, ‘He won’t even tell me that.’

j0431537 POKER NIGHT

A man brings his dog to a night of tournament poker at a friend’s house. At first the others are hesitant, but they finally let the man buy chips for the dog. The hound sits down at the table, picks up the cards and starts playing. The others are impressed and one of them says, “Your dog can play poker! He must be the smartest dog in the world.”

The dog owner replies, “Nah, he sees way too many flops and can never fold a flush draw.”

A man-reading-newspaper NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Deer Kill 17,000

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery –  Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

24086844.thm MY CAREER …..

0808-0710-1513-0851 My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn’t concentrate.

0808-0710-1513-0851Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

0808-0710-1513-0851After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn’t suited for it — mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

0808-0710-1513-0851Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

0808-0710-1513-0851Then, tried being a Chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn’t have the thyme.

0808-0710-1513-0851Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it… couldn’t cut the mustard.

0808-0710-1513-0851My best job was as a Musician, but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy.

0808-0710-1513-0851I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn’t have any patience.

0808-0710-1513-0851Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.  Tried hard but just didn’t fit in.

0808-0710-1513-0851I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.

0808-0710-1513-0851Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

0808-0710-1513-0851So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

0808-0710-1513-0851After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it.

0808-0710-1513-0851My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

So I Tried Retirement …. and found I’m perfect for the job!






Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men




After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.
One third grader, on what his grandparents do, wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.

Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don’t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now.  They do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.  And, they eat the same thing every night – early birds.

Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

stpatrick_little_leprechaun_s A JOKE FROM PADDY  …

What do you get if you cross a beetle with an Australian dog?

Dingo Starr




Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.  One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.  She puts her foot in and pauses.  She yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’

The 94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.’ She starts up the stairs and pauses ‘Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, ‘I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.’ She then yells, ‘I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.’

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.  One remarked to the other, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
‘No,’ the second man replied, ‘it’s Thursday..’
And the third man chimed in, ‘So am I.  Let’s have a beer.’


A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.  As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say ‘Supersex.’ She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, ‘Supersex.’ He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, ‘I’ll take the soup.’


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.  Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.  Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me …  I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name!  I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it.  Please tell me what your name is..   Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.  Finally she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, ‘Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!’
‘Heck,’ said Herman, ‘It’s not just one car.  It’s hundreds of them!’


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.  The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself  ‘I must be losing it.  I could have sworn we just went through a red light.’
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red.  Again, they went right through.  The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it…  She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.  So, she turned to the other woman and said,
‘Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?  You could have killed us both!’ Mildred turned to her and said,     ‘Oh, dear!  Am I driving?’



dog_clipart_hunting IRISH DUCK HUNTERS

Two Irishmen were out duck-shooting.

They had their guns and dogs and walked for hours with no success.

Dropping into the pub on the way back they listened with envy to all the other hunters who had obviously been very successful.

“Where do you think we went wrong?” asked one.

His friend thought for a minute.

“You know, I think it must be that we’re not throwing the dogs high enough.”







Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed,
I’ve not been told!


To die. In the rain.


I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.


In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.


It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

It was a historical inevitability.


This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.


What chicken?


To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.


You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?


The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.


I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook – and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of the Chicken.


Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?


I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?


And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,”Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.


I missed one?



Beauty is only a light switch away

Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC


If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let’s all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives

Armand’s Pizza, Washington , DC


Fighting for peace is like
Screwing for virginity

The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO


No matter how good she looks,
Some other guy is sick and tired
Of putting up with her sh*t

Men’s Room
Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC


At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry

Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ


It’s hard to make a comeback
when you haven’t been anywhere

Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ


Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both

Women’s restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT


If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal

Revolution Books
New York , New York .


If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

Men’s restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC


Express Lane:
Five beers or less

Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix , AZ


You’re too good for him

Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom
Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills ,CA


No wonder you always go home alone

Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom,
Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hill s ,CA


A Woman’s Rule of Thumb:

If it has tires or testicles,
you’re going to have trouble with it

Women’s restroom
Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas , TX


Businessman_03 NO DOROTHY DIX


TN_crca_dogs_walking3 JOKE…

Two dogs were walking along the road.

One dog stopped and said: “My name is Fido. What’s yours?

The other dog thought for a minute, and then replied: “I think it’s Down Boy.”


A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Polished Fork restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Polished Fork because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Polished Fork because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Polished Fork because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Polished Fork because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.


By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn’t finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Rum, a bottle of Jim Beam, a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of Tim Toms, tha mainder of bot Prozicand Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax acholates.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.






























A woman walks into a post office and notices a middle-aged, well-dressed man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink  envelopes with hearts all over them. As he seals each envelop he sprays it with a puff of perfume.

The woman’s curiosity gets the better of her, so she goes up to the man and asks what he is doing. The man replies, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

“But why?” she asks.

“Because I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies



Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


Signs you’ll fall in love soon:

Red heartYou stumble going up a flight of stairs
Red heartYou have hairy legs
Red heartYou dream of taking a bath
Red heartThe lines on your palm form an M

Dream of what your next boyfriend will look like:

Red heartSleep with a mirror under your pillow
Red heartWear your nightgown inside out
Red heartRub your headboard with lemon peel before turning off the light
Red heartCount nine stars each night for nine nights
Red heartPut daisies under your pillow at night
Red heartTake a sprig of rosemary and a sprig of thyme. Sprinkle them three times with water and place each herb in a shoe. Put the shoes at the foot of your bed
Red heartStand in front of a mirror and brush your hair three times



cropped Dictionary for Women



*      Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong
*       I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger
*       The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard.  This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.
*       There is a great need for sarcasm font.
*       I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
*       I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
*       I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
*       How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
*       I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
*       Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
*       I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
*       I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
*       Bad decisions make good stories
*       You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
*       Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
*       There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
*       I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my thirty page insurance policy that I swear I did not make any changes to.
*      I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
*       Why is a school zone 15 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
*       Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
*       It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
*       I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
*       Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
*       I wonder if cops ever get ticked off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.




another australia_map2_s



  • The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
  • The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
  • Whether its the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
  • If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he’s probably a media billionaire. Or, just conceivably, a wharfie.
  • On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallet by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. We might have very stupid thieves. Or really stinky sandshoes.
  • Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the milk crate.
  • All our best heroes are losers.
  • The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
  • It’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
  • A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
  • It is proper to refer to your best friend as “a total bastard”. By contrast, your worst enemy is “a bit of a bastard”.
  • Historians believe the widespread use of the word “mate” can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or “mateship”. Alternatively, we may all just be really hopeless with names.
  • The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to neighbourhood mosquitoes.
  • If it can’t be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it’s not worth fixing.
  • The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that just happens to have the swimming pool.
  • The phrase “we’ve got a great lifestyle” means everyone in the family drinks too much.
  • The poisoning of Phar Lap remains the purest example of what happens when Australians attempt to take on the outside world.
  • If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine, but then spend all night drinking the host’s beer. Don’t worry, he’ll have catered for it.
  • If there’s any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you’d be a mug not to go.
  • When tipping in a restaurant, we add 10 per cent, and then round down to the nearest large-denomination note. Yet, miraculously, we still believe we’ve tipped 10 per cent.
  • The phrase “a simple picnic” is not known. Or at least not acted upon. You should take everything. If you don’t need to make three trips back to the car, you are not trying.
  • Unless ethnic, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or fence-leaning is acceptable. Just don’t sit. That’s what backyards are for.
  • Out in the bush, the tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
  • A flash sportscar driven by a middle-aged man does not incite envy as in America, but hilarity.
  • On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle problem that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
  • When on a country holiday, the motel neon advertising the pool will always be slightly larger than the actual pool.
  • The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
  • The chief test of manhood is one’s ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.
  • There comes a time in every Australian’s life when one realises that the Aeroguard is far, far worse than the flies.
  • And, finally, don’t let the tourist books fool you. No-one says “cobber”.


australia_ayers_s COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY

(Rural Australia Version)

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys

WINDOW: What you shut when the weather’s cold

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season

BYTE: What mozzies do

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do

CHIP: A bar snack





.    NEN

Businessman_09 NEW DEFINITIONS



A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle


A place where women curl up and dye


Someone who is fed up with people


The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead


A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours


Mud with the juice squeezed out


Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation


Cold Storage


Cutting money in half without damaging the paper


An insect that makes you like flies better


Grape with a sunburn


Something you tell to one person at a time


A bunch of bones with the person scraped off


The pain that drives you to extraction


One of the greatest labour saving devices of today


An honest opinion openly expressed


Something other people have, similar to my character lines


science_periodic CHILDREN’S SCIENCE EXAM

Answers children have offered in science exam

Q: Name the four seasons
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts — the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie

Q: What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A: Nearby

Q: Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarian Section.’
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word ‘benign’ mean?’
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight



Jack_in_the_Box_5 NONSENSE

* I’m not insensitive, I just don’t care

* I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure…

* Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice

* Constant change is here to stay

* I know it sounds like I’m in denial, but I’m not

* As I said before, I never repeat myself

* Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else

* As long as I can remember, I’ve had amnesia.

* All generalizations are false, even this one

* I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

* Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid

* I can resist everything except temptation

* You non conformists are all the same

* I have decided to be indecisive

* My imaginary friend thinks you have some serious problems

* If we weren’t all crazy, we would go insane

* If you fall and break both your legs don’t come running to me

* I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am

* The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45

* Without geography, you’re nowhere

* Intelligence is wasted on the stupid

* Laziness is only the art of resting before your tired


Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: “And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt.”

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?

A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem – Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: “Gosh, I remember these!”


….for the  Psychologically Challenged


Schizophrenia :

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder :

We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Amnesia :

I Don’t Know if I’ll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic :

Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic :

Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and …

Paranoid :

Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder :

Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Full Personality Disorder :

You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder :

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ..

Agoraphobia :

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn’t Leave My House

Senile Dementia :

Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiant Disorder :

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

Social Anxiety Disorder :

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate