Fun & Games

ZEN TEACHINGS

Yin Yang Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just go away and leave me alone

Yin Yang Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

Yin Yang Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Yin Yang If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Yin Yang Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Yin Yang If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Yin Yang Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Yin Yang If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

Yin Yang If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything

Yin Yang Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

Yin Yang Good judgment comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad judgment.

Yin Yang A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Yin Yang There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

Yin Yang Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

Yin Yang Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Yin Yang We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our backside ~ then things just keep getting worse.

Yin Yang Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

NO WORDS NEEDED

THE FUNERAL PROCESSION

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, ‘I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?’

‘My wife’s.

”What happened to her?’

The man replied, ‘My dog attacked and killed her’

He inquired further, ‘But who is in the second hearse?’

The man answered, ‘My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.’

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

‘Can I borrow the dog?’

The man replied, ‘Get in line.’

BEWARE OF THE DOG

FEED THE PIGEONS

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn’t show up.

Sam didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn’t know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and – lo and behold! – there sat Bill!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?’ Bill replied, ‘I’ve been in jail.’

‘Jail?’ cried Sam. ‘What in the world for?’

‘Well,’ Bill said, ‘you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?’ ‘Yeah,’ said Sam, ‘I remember her. What about her?’

‘Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty’…

‘So the judge gave me 30 days for perjury’!!!!!

THE VALUE OF DRINK

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your underwear
Martini Glass

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Beer mug

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
Martini Glass

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
Beer mug

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!
~ Brian O’Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
Martini Glass

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot
Beer mug

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
Martini Glass

To some ! it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Beer mug

Cliff Clavin (of Cheers) was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

Here’s how it went:

"Well ya see, Naum, it’s like this…
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not !

ABOUT MARRIAGE

Boy Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with. (Kathleen Mifsud)

Boy The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

Boy Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. (Bill Cosby)

Boy I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)

Boy Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut after. (Benjamin Franklin)

Boy My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

Boy My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

Boy A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)

Boy I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

Boy When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking. (Elaine Boosler)

Boy Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)

Boy My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. (Rita Rudner)

Boy The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

Boy At a party, one woman said to another, "Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man." (Anonymous)

Boy Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are beautiful. (Anonymous)

AUSTRALIA-SPEAK

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE

SMOKEY MACGREGOR

Smokey Macgregor was a Scottish painter who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water…

Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

IRISH PUBLIC WORKS DEPT

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, ‘I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it — why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?’

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, ‘Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.’

IRISH JOB INTERVIEW

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin .

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that?"

"We both got 19 questions correct."

"This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, ‘I don’t know.’

You put down, “Neither do I” !!

SENIORS BUMPER STICKERS

KIDS ARE QUICK

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:       Here it is.
TEACHER:    Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:        Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:    H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE:       I is…
TEACHER:     No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE:       All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

DUMB MEN JOKES

Boy Why are dumb blonde jokes one liners?

So men can understand them.

What is the difference between Government bonds and men?

Government bonds mature

What did God say after he created man?

I can do better than that

How do women define a 50/50 relationship?

We cook/They eat. We clean/they dirty. We iron/they wrinkle

What’s the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

How do men exercise at the beach?

By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

What does a man consider a 7 course meal?

A hot dog and a six pack.

Why are men like noodles?

They are always in hot water, they lack taste, they need dough

MAXINE …

MAXINE ON:

Driver Safety ~

I can’t use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.

Lawn Care ~

The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless.

The Perfect Man ~

All I’m looking for is a guy who’ll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed

Technology Revolution ~

My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice

Aging ~

Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita

MY GET-UP-&-GO HAS GOT UP AND WENT

Old age is golden, I’ve heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I crawl into bed,
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
My eyes on the table until I wake up.

As sleep dims my vision, I say to myself:
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?
But, though nations are warring, and Congress is vexed,
We’ll still stick around to see what happens next!

How do I know my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got up and went!
But, in spite of it all, I’m able to grin
And think of the places my getup has been!

When I was young, my slippers were red;
I could kick up my heels right over my head.
When I was older my slippers were blue,
But still I could dance the whole night through.

Now I am older, my slippers are black.
I huff to the store and puff my way back.
But never you laugh; I don’t mind at all:
I’d rather be huffing than not puff at all!

How do I know my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got up and went!
But, in spite of it all, I’m able to grin
And think of the places my getup has been!

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Open the paper, and read the Obits.
If I’m not there, I know I’m not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed!

(Anonymous)

CHUCKLES….

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, ‘When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?’

Artie said: ‘I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.’

Eugene commented: ‘I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.’

Al said: ‘I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’

——————————————————————-

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord… ‘God, what does a million years mean to you?’

The Lord replies, ‘A minute.’

Smith asks, ‘And what does a million dollars mean to you?’

The Lord replies, ‘A penny.’

Smith asks, ‘Can I have a penny?’

The Lord replies, ‘In a minute.’

SENIOR DRESS CODE

Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided by us ‘Seniors’:

A nose ring and bifocals
Spiked hair and bald spots
A pierced tongue and dentures
Miniskirts and support hose
Ankle bracelets and corn pads
Speedos and cellulite
A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
Bikinis and liver spots
Mini skirts and varicose veins

OLD BUTCH

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

FOR MOTHER’S DAY ….

MOTHER’S DICTIONARY

Bottle feeding:
An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defence:
What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.

Drooling:
How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter:
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning:
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback:
The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name:
What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

Grandparents:
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Hearsay:
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable:
A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.

Independent:
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out:
What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal:
When your life was still somewhat your own.

Prepared childbirth:
A contradiction in terms.

Puddle:
A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off:
A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize:
What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom:
The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums:
What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning:
When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal:
Able to whine in words

Whodunit:
None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops:
An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

bestmothersdaycard

MARKETING & SALES EXPLAINED

You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I’m fantastic in bed,"

That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She’s fantastic in bed,"

That’s Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m fantastic in bed,"

That’s Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I’m fantastic in bed."

That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you’re fantastic in bed,"

That’s Brand Recognition.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.

That’s a Sales Rep.

Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you.

That’s Tech Support.

You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the centre and shout at the top of your lungs, I’m fantastic in bed!"

That’s Junk Mail.

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name.
He replied, "She called Five Horses".

The man said, "That’s an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean……..

. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

JOKES

Every dog has its day, only a dog with a broken tail has a weak-end.

A man was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!".

Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!". That did it. He took off full speed and didn’t stop till he was well outside the gates.

As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip.

My dog is a nuisance. He chases everyone on a bicycle. What can I do?

Take his bike away.

"Say have you seen my new dog?"

"Spitz?"

"No, but he drools a little."

A man went into a pet shop and asked the assistant if they had any dogs going cheap?

He replied, "Sorry sir all ours go woof."

My uncle said, ‘I’ve got this elephant that Won’t talk to me.’

The vet said, ‘What’s his name?’

My uncle said, ‘He won’t even tell me that.’

POKER NIGHT

A man brings his dog to a night of tournament poker at a friend’s house. At first the others are hesitant, but they finally let the man buy chips for the dog. The hound sits down at the table, picks up the cards and starts playing. The others are impressed and one of them says, "Your dog can play poker! He must be the smartest dog in the world."

The dog owner replies, "Nah, he sees way too many flops and can never fold a flush draw."

NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Deer Kill 17,000

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery - Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

MY CAREER …..

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn’t suited for it — mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then, tried being a Chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn’t have the thyme.

Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it… couldn’t cut the mustard.

My best job was as a Musician, but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn’t have any patience.

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn’t fit in.

I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.

Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

So I Tried Retirement …. and found I’m perfect for the job!

ANOTHER PROBLEM CAUSED BY DE-FORESTATION ……

COMMON WORDS
– ALTERNATE MEANINGS

Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.
One third grader, on what his grandparents do, wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.

Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don’t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night – early birds.

Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

A JOKE FROM PADDY …

What do you get if you cross a beetle with an Australian dog?

Dingo Starr

.

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’

The 94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.’ She starts up the stairs and pauses ‘Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, ‘I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.’ She then yells, ‘I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.’

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
‘No,’ the second man replied, ‘it’s Thursday..’
And the third man chimed in, ‘So am I. Let’s have a beer.’

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say ‘Supersex.’ She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, ‘Supersex.’ He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, ‘I’ll take the soup.’

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me … I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.. Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, ‘Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!’
‘Heck,’ said Herman, ‘It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!’

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself ‘I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.’
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it… She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
‘Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!’ Mildred turned to her and said, ‘Oh, dear! Am I driving?’

IRISH DUCK HUNTERS

Two Irishmen were out duck-shooting.

They had their guns and dogs and walked for hours with no success.

Dropping into the pub on the way back they listened with envy to all the other hunters who had obviously been very successful.

"Where do you think we went wrong?" asked one.

His friend thought for a minute.

"You know, I think it must be that we’re not throwing the dogs high enough."

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

DR. SEUSS:

Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes!
The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed,
I’ve not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:

In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN:

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:

What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK:

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD:

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:

I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook – and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of the Chicken.

EINSTEIN:

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

THE BIBLE:

And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS:

I missed one?

SIGNS

Beauty is only a light switch away

Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC

If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let’s all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives

Armand’s Pizza, Washington , DC

~

Fighting for peace is like
Screwing for virginity

The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO

~

No matter how good she looks,
Some other guy is sick and tired
Of putting up with her sh*t

Men’s Room
Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC

~

At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry

Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ

~

It’s hard to make a comeback
when you haven’t been anywhere

Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ

~

Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!

Women’s restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT

~

If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal

Revolution Books
New York , New York .

~

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!

Men’s restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC

~

Express Lane:
Five beers or less

Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix , AZ

~

You’re too good for him

Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom
Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills ,CA

~

No wonder you always go home alone

Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom,
Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hill s ,CA

~

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb:

If it has tires or testicles,
you’re going to have trouble with it

Women’s restroom
Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas , TX

~~~

NO DOROTHY DIX

JOKE…

Two dogs were walking along the road.

One dog stopped and said: "My name is Fido. What’s yours?

The other dog thought for a minute, and then replied: "I think it’s Down Boy."

DINNER RESERVATION

A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Polished Fork restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Polished Fork because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Polished Fork because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Polished Fork because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Polished Fork because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

HUMAN INNER PEACE

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn’t finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Rum, a bottle of Jim Beam, a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of Tim Toms, tha mainder of bot Prozicand Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax acholates.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

OH! THE GOOD OLD DAYS??

BUMPER STICKERS FOR LADIES

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME

GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN … SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH

DON’T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

I’M OUT OF OESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT

OF COURSE I DON’T LOOK BUSY…I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME

DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN

ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON’T GO AWAY?

DON’T UPSET ME! I’M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN

LETTERS OF LOVE

A woman walks into a post office and notices a middle-aged, well-dressed man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. As he seals each envelop he sprays it with a puff of perfume.

The woman’s curiosity gets the better of her, so she goes up to the man and asks what he is doing. The man replies, "I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’"

"But why?" she asks.

"Because I’m a divorce lawyer," the man replies

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

LOVE SUPERSTITIONS

Signs you’ll fall in love soon:

Red heart You stumble going up a flight of stairs
You have hairy legs
You dream of taking a bath
The lines on your palm form an M

Dream of what your next boyfriend will look like:

Red heart Sleep with a mirror under your pillow
Wear your nightgown inside out
Rub your headboard with lemon peel before turning off the light
Count nine stars each night for nine nights
Put daisies under your pillow at night
Take a sprig of rosemary and a sprig of thyme. Sprinkle them three times with water and place each herb in a shoe. Put the shoes at the foot of your bed
Red heart Stand in front of a mirror and brush your hair three times

RANDOM THOUGHTS

*      Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong
*       I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger
*       The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
*       There is a great need for sarcasm font.
*       I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
*       I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
*       I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
*       How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
*       I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
*       Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
*       I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
*       I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
*       Bad decisions make good stories
*       You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
*       Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
*       There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
*       I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my thirty page insurance policy that I swear I did not make any changes to.
*      I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
*       Why is a school zone 15 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
*       Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
*       It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
*       I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
*       Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
*       I wonder if cops ever get ticked off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

GUIDE TO AUSTRALIAN CULTURE

The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
Whether its the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he’s probably a media billionaire. Or, just conceivably, a wharfie.
On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallet by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. We might have very stupid thieves. Or really stinky sandshoes.
Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the milk crate.
All our best heroes are losers.
The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
It’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, we may all just be really hopeless with names.
The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to neighbourhood mosquitoes.
If it can’t be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it’s not worth fixing.
The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that just happens to have the swimming pool.
The phrase "we’ve got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
The poisoning of Phar Lap remains the purest example of what happens when Australians attempt to take on the outside world.
If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine, but then spend all night drinking the host’s beer. Don’t worry, he’ll have catered for it.
If there’s any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you’d be a mug not to go.
When tipping in a restaurant, we add 10 per cent, and then round down to the nearest large-denomination note. Yet, miraculously, we still believe we’ve tipped 10 per cent.
The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. Or at least not acted upon. You should take everything. If you don’t need to make three trips back to the car, you are not trying.
Unless ethnic, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or fence-leaning is acceptable. Just don’t sit. That’s what backyards are for.
Out in the bush, the tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
A flash sportscar driven by a middle-aged man does not incite envy as in America, but hilarity.
On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle problem that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
When on a country holiday, the motel neon advertising the pool will always be slightly larger than the actual pool.
The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
The chief test of manhood is one’s ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.
There comes a time in every Australian’s life when one realises that the Aeroguard is far, far worse than the flies.
And, finally, don’t let the tourist books fool you. No-one says "cobber".

COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY

(Rural Australia Version)

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys

WINDOW: What you shut when the weather’s cold

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season

BYTE: What mozzies do

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do

CHIP: A bar snack

. NEN

NEW DEFINITIONS

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle

BEAUTY PARLOR:

A place where women curl up and dye

CANNIBAL:

Someone who is fed up with people

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours

DUST:

Mud with the juice squeezed out

EGOTIST:

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation

HANDKERCHIEF:

Cold Storage

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better

RAISIN:

Grape with a sunburn

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time

SKELETON:

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction

TOMORROW:

One of the greatest labour saving devices of today

YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed

WRINKLES:

Something other people have, similar to my character lines

CHILDREN’S SCIENCE EXAM

.
Answers children have offered in science exam

Q: Name the four seasons
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts — the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie

Q: What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A: Nearby

Q: Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarian Section.’
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word ‘benign’ mean?’
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

NONSENSE

* I’m not insensitive, I just don’t care

* I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure…

* Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice

* Constant change is here to stay

* I know it sounds like I’m in denial, but I’m not

* As I said before, I never repeat myself

* Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else

* As long as I can remember, I’ve had amnesia.

* All generalizations are false, even this one

* I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

* Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid

* I can resist everything except temptation

* You non conformists are all the same

* I have decided to be indecisive

* My imaginary friend thinks you have some serious problems

* If we weren’t all crazy, we would go insane

* If you fall and break both your legs don’t come running to me

* I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am

* The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45

* Without geography, you’re nowhere

* Intelligence is wasted on the stupid

* Laziness is only the art of resting before your tired

QUESTIONS & ANSWERS FOR RETIREES

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?

A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem – Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

CHRISTMAS CAROLS

….for the Psychologically Challenged

Schizophrenia :

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder :

We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Amnesia :

I Don’t Know if I’ll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic :

Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic :

Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and …

Paranoid :

Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder :

Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Full Personality Disorder :

You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder :

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ..

Agoraphobia :

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn’t Leave My House

Senile Dementia :

Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiant Disorder :

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

Social Anxiety Disorder :

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

THE TWELVE HOURS OF CHRISTMAS

”Tis the morning of Christmas, a day hot as hell.

All the family rise early. It starts off quite well,

Gifts are torn open with the usual thrill

In an atmosphere drenched in peace and goodwill.

The turkey is stuffed in the oven with care.

The table is laid with a fine festive air.

Best glasses are out. A nice nibbles display

To enhance the good time we expect on this day.

Uncle Jock arrives first, as p***ed as a newt.

It’s 90 degrees but he’s wearing a suit.

Mum’s lips are compressed, but Dad’s full of good cheer

As he opens for Jock a new bottle of beer.

Then the rellies roll in, with greetings and kisses.

Divorced Uncle Freddie has brought his new missus.

There’s Grandma and Grandad, and Great-Grandpa too

Who’ll be found hours later asleep on the loo.

The kids play outside as the drinks start to flow

And soon everyone’s washed in a warm friendly glow.

Until Auntie Maud comments Aunt Lil is a tart

Which sets off the signal for the feuding to start.

Young Jen’s ‘up the duff’, and Wal’s doing time,

Jock’s a mad alcoholic and Freddie’s a swine,

As for old Dan with his filthy old leer .

Lil’s husband jobbed him when he goosed her last year.

Mum sweats in the kitchen, her face flaming red.

The three little sherries have gone to her head.

The bird’s burnt to a crisp. The pudding’s the pits

(But will get torn apart for the threepenny bits).

The rellies are sloshed, so they don’t see the faults

For the duration of eating all fighting halts

So they fall upon dinner without any din,

And gluttony reigns as they shovel it in.

When bellies are full, then it’s time for a snooze

Though there’s still a few stayers downing the booze.

Through the hot afternoon while they’re having their naps,

I’m out in the kitchen snuffling their scraps.

When Aunt Maud hits the ivories, the kids disappear

But they’re soon rounded up with clips on the ear

To sing out of tune, to dance or recite

While the adults applaud with pretended delight.

Aunt Maud is the pressed to play songs of the season

Adults think their voices are good (without reason)

So I howl while they belt out the carols of yore

Accompanied by grandfather’s thunderous snore

By nightfall the kids are all cranky and sleepy

And the maudlin drunks are becoming quite weepy

By the time the last rellie has gone out the door

Mum is swearing she’ll host Christmas no more.

And as for myself, as I gnaw on a bone

In my kennel, I’m sad that they’ve all gone off home.

For to me this long day is all barking good fun.

bell02 HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it.

Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

Same for pies. Apple - Pumpkin – Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?

Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

OUT .oo

c0155 OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES ..

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .’

KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now.. She’s hitting the bottle.’

MORE NUDITY A young boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my dog Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked. ‘It sure is,’ I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly people, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’ ‘And why not, darling?’ ‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)

SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. ‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out. ‘What have you got there, dear?’ With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

keep smiling.. .

OLDIES ~ BUT GOODIES .

♥ Two blondes walked into a building……….you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

♥ Phone answering machine message – ‘…If you want marijuana, press the hash key…’

♥ I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

♥ I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, ‘No, the steaks are too high..’

♥ My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

♥ A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.

♥ I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.

♥ Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

♥ Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

♥ Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’

♥ Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’. ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.’ ‘ Is it common? ‘ ‘It’s not unusual.’

♥ A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. ‘My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”Well,’ says the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him’ So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed? ‘ ‘No, because he’s really heavy’

♥ What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

♥ So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’

♥ Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

♥ ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’

♥ A man walked into the doctors, he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places’ The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there anymore’ . .

proof of global warming

PADDY’S PROVERBS

♦ A day without sunshine is like night

♦ On the other hand, you have different fingers

♦ 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot

♦ 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

♦ Remember, half the people you know are below average

♦ He who laughs last, thinks slowest

♦ Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

♦ The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap

♦ Support bacteria - They’re the only culture most people have

♦ A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

♦ Change is inevitable, except from vending machines

♦ If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments

♦How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand

♦ OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

♦When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane

♦ Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now

♦How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

♦ Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines

♦ What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

♦Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

♦ Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, ‘What the heck happened?’

♦ Just remember -if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off

♦ Light travels faster than sound - That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

♦ Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow

……

..,,,X,,.MMM

70ca486

bible_sermon . THE SUNDAY SERMON .

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol – Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead

The Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive

So the Minister asked the congregation – What did you learn from this demonstration?

Johnny was sitting in the back, quickly raised his hand and said, ‘As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!’ That pretty much ended the service ~

IDLE THOUGHTS

of a Retiree’s Wandering Mind….

I had amnesia once – or twice

Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle

What is a "free" gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone

One nice thing about egotists … they don’t talk about other people

My weight is perfect for my height … which varies

I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not sure.

The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity

How can there be self-help groups?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off

. BLONDE PASSWORD

..mm.

LUIGI THE BUSINESSMAN

Luigi (the father… says to his son): ‘I want you to marry a girl of my choice.’

Son says: ‘I will choose my own bride!!!’

Luigi says: ‘But the girl is Bill Gates’ daughter…’

Son answers: ‘Well, in that case…..ok’

Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates and says.

‘I have a husband for your daughter.’

Bill Gates answers: ‘But my daughter is too young to marry!!’

Luig says: ‘But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank’.

Bill Gates answers: ‘Ah, in that case…..ok’

Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Luigi says: ‘I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.’

President answers: ‘But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!’

Luigi says: ‘But this young man is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.’

President answers: ‘Ah, in that case…..ok’

And that is how Italians do business

maxine 1

YOU KNOW YOU’RE TOO OLD

TO GO TRICK OR TREATING WHEN ….

You get winded from knocking on the door.

You have to have another kid chew the candy for you

You ask for high fiber candy only

When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over

People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you’re not wearing a mask

When the door opens you yell, "Trick or………." – and you can’t remember the rest

By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders

You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece

You’re the only Ghost in the neighborhood with a walker

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating…

You keep having to go home to pee

maxine 3 maxine 2

Health39 AN AUSTRALIAN LOVE POEM

Of course I love ya darling

You’re a bloody top notch bird

And when I say you’re gorgeous

I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side

I don’t mind a bit of flab

It means that when I’m ready

There’s somethin there to grab

So your belly isn’t flat no more

I tell ya, I don’t care

So long as when I cuddle ya

I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age

Has nice round perky breasts

They just gave in to gravity

But I know ya did ya best

I’m tellin ya the truth now

I never tell ya lies

I think its very sexy

That you’ve got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna’s grave now

The moment that we met

I thought u was as good as I Was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like

I’ll always love ya dear

Now shut up while the footy’s on

And fetch another beer

(Who said Australians aren’t romantic?)

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CHOOK STORY Farmer Dale lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said, "You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW:

SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.." He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign… It might be something that we could use to slow down drivers…" So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray painted on a sheet of wood…. NUDIST COLONY Go slow and watch out for chicks .

OBSERVATIONS OF GROWING OLDER

It’s harder to tell navy from black

Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you’re too old to wear it the 2nd time around

Your kids are becoming you … but your grandchildren are perfect

Yellow becomes the big colour … walls… hair… teeth

Going out is good. Coming home is better

When people say you look "Great" .. they add "for your age"

When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything: movies, hotels, flights

You forget names – but it’s OK because other people forgot they even knew you

The last 2 outfits you wore had spots on them

You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks and they tell you the truth

The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds

You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything… especially golf

Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember

The things you cared to do, you don’t care to do, but you care that you don’t care to do them anymore

Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring then he does in bed. (It’s called his "pre-sleep")

Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident

You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married". Now, " I hope they STAY married!"

The best place to have a conversation with your husband is in the bathroom…you have his full attention

Who wants to wear 3" heels anyway?

You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch

When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table

You use more 4 letter words…"what? "… "when? " ???

Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it any where

Your husband has a night out with the guys but he’s home by 9:00pm – next week it will be 8:30 pm

You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve read it before

You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless" ?

Many of the people in "People" magazine you’ve never heard of

Your concealer doesn’t conceal

Your lipstick bleeds

Your mascara clumps and your eyebrows are disappearing

You don’t have hair under your arms and very little on your legs but your chin needs to be plucked daily

What used to be freckles are now liver spots

Everybody whispers

Now that your husband has retired … you’d give anything if he’d find a job!

. ATT0026312

. . . INTERESTING FACTS

In the 1400′s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have ‘the rule of thumb’

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled ‘Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden’…and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

the first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades – King David Hearts – Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds – Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Most boat owners name their boats. The most popular boat name requested is Obsession

If you were to spell out numbers, you would have to go to One Thousand until you would find the letter ‘A’?

Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers were all invented by women

Honey is the only food that doesn’t spoil

In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase……… ‘goodnight, sleep tight.’

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them ‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.’ It’s where we get the phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. ‘Wet your whistle’ is the phrase inspired by this practice.

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. . Wanted Ad . .

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AKC BILLBOARD

. . .

. . Books THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING

◊ Rubber bands last longer when refrigerate

◊ Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite

◊ The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing

◊ A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes

◊ There are more chickens than people in the world

◊ Two thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey

◊ The longest one syllable word in the English language is "screeched" ◊ On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag

◊ All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20

◊ No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple

◊ "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt"

◊ All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back on the $5 bill

◊ Almonds are a member of the peach family ◊ Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable

◊ Los Angeles’ full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"

◊ A cat has 32 muscles in each ear

◊ An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain

◊ Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur

◊ In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10

◊ Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer

◊ A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours

◊ A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds

◊ A dime has 118 ridges around the edge

◊ It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open

◊ In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak

◊ The average person falls asleep in seven minutes

◊ There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball

◊ "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand

THE DOG SHOW

There was a time, there really was,

When I was sweet and tender;

When Show Dog meant a Disney Star, and bitch was not a gender.

I went to bed at half past ten;

I went to church on Sunday;

On Saturday I baked the beans and did the wash on Monday.

But then I got a certain pup,

And an erstwhile friend said "SHOW",

And so I did and so I do, OH! What I didn’t know.

I used to dress with flair and style,

That was the life, don’t knock it.

But now each dress from bed to ball

Must have a good bait pocket.

I used to have a certain air, I wallowed in perfume,

I used to smell of Niut D’Amour, Now I smell like Mr Groom.

My furniture was haute decor, My pets a tank of guppies.

Now I’ve furniture unstuffed, And well-adjusted puppies.

Once I spoke in pristine prose, In dulcet tones and frail,

But now I’m using language, That would turn a sailor pale.

I was taught to be well groomed no matter where I went.

Now all the grooming that I do is in the handler’s tent.

I used to long for furs and jewels And a figure classed as super,

Now the thing I yearn for most is a nice new pooper scooper.

I adored a man who murmured verse, through intimate little dinners,

But now the words I thrill to hear, Are just three-"Best of Winners".

I rise at dawn and pack the car, the road ahead’s a long one.

The one I routed on the maps, Invariably’s the wrong one.

I really love this doggy life, I wouldn’t care to change it.

But when I get that Best in Show, I plan to rearrange it.

When my time on earth is done, I’ll go without much nudging.

Just give me three weeks closing date, and let me know who’s judging

THE GRANDMA TEST

I was out walking with my Granddaughter.

She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.   I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

‘Why?’ my Granddaughter asked.

‘Because it’s been on the ground; you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs,’ I replied.

At this point, my Granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, ‘Grandma, how do you know all this stuff?? You are so smart.’

I was thinking quickly and said to her. ‘All Grandmas know this stuff. It’s on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Grandma."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

‘Oh…..I get it!’ she beamed, ‘So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the Grandpa".

‘Exactly,’ I replied with a big smile on my face.

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PADDY ONCE AGAIN

Paddy’s pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, ‘Ma’am, you had twins….a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ‘ Oh sweet suffering Mother of Jesus no, not me brother, he’s a fecking clueless idiot…

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,’ Well, what’s my daughter’s name?’

‘Denise’ says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved, ‘Wow, that’s a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother’, she thought….’I really like Denise ‘

Then she asks, ‘ What’s the boy’s name?’

The doctor replies ‘ Denephew ‘

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DROLLERIES

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in-Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu — the same mustard as before.

Practise safe eating — always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbaking makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it’s two tyred.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: it taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller prison escapee is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

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ONLY AUSSIES

Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Only in Australia … can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Australia … do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia … do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Australia … do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Australia … do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

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IN AUSTRALIA….

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call’. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. ‘O.K., thank you,’ said the American .

He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same ‘$US10,000 per call’ sign under it.

The American, decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived at the Gold Coast, in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read ’40 cents per call.’

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. ‘Father, I’ve traveled all over the world and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?’ The priest smiled and answered, ‘You’re in Australia now, son – it’s a local call’.

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NECK EXERCISE:

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EIGHT WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n..

Female……. Any part under a car’s hood.

Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.

Male….. Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n …

Female…. The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.

Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys..

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.

Female…. A desire to get married and raise a family.!

Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book..

Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female….. An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male……. A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

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CHILDREN’S SCIENCE EXAM

….. answers given by children to a science exam:

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)

A: The body is consisted into three parts — the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.

The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does ‘varicose’ mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarian Section.’

A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word ‘benign’ mean?’

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

.

NEWSFLASH:

The correct way to weigh yourself

(I can’t believe I was doing it wrong all these years)

.

BARRY’S PROVERBS

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2.   On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13.   How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, ‘What the heck happened?’

22. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow..

.

.

.

BANKS IN JAPAN HIT BY RECESSION

Origami Bank                  Folded

Sumo Bank                        Belly Up

Bonsai Bank                     Cut Some Branches

Kariaoke Bank                   Gone for a Song

Sushi Bank                         Raw Deal

Karate Bank                        The Chop

.

.

SIGNS

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a Memphis department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER COFFEE BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE COFFEE POT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer’s field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

.

.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 WHEN..

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

FORGETTER BE FORGOTTEN

My forgetter’s getting better, But my rememberer is broke To you that may seem funny But, to me, that is no joke

For when I’m ‘here’ I’m wondering If I really should be ‘there’ And, when I try to think it through, I haven’t got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room, Say ‘what am I here for?’ I wrack my brain, but all in vain! A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone, Say ‘Hi’ and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, ‘who the hell was that?’

Yes, my forgetter’s getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it’s driving me plumb crazy And that isn’t any joke.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND GOD AGREED……

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed……

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed……

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again……

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SUMMARY OF LIFE

.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats. .
When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. .
You can’t trust dogs to watch your food. .
Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. .
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. .
You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. .
Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree. .
Wrinkles don’t hurt. .
Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts .
Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground. .
Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside. .
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. .
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. .
When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there. .
You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. .
It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions .
Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician .
Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
You believe in Santa Claus. .
You don’t believe in Santa Claus. .
You are Santa Claus. .
You look like Santa Claus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

as0111tn

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote:

I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:

"Sir: I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.

…… And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PADDY’S DAMAGED FOOT

McCarthy blacksmith came in with a badly damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for McCarthy was a careful man. "What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked. "Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe……"

"But about your foot…..?" "This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn’t. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug.

"The next night she came in and the girl hadn’t a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."

"What has that got to do with your foot, McCarthy?" asked the doctor impatiently.

"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."

MAN’S BEST FRIEND

Farmer O’Toole lived for many years with only his dog for a companion. One sad day he found his dog dead from old age. He went to his parish priest and asked if services could be said for his dog. The good father said "oh no, we can’t have services for a dog here, but there’s a new church down the street that might be wiling."

"Father do you think $50,000 might be enough of a donation?" asked farmer O’Toole.

"Well man, why didn’t you tell me your dog was a catholic!"

THOU SHALT NOT……

Thou shalt not sniff the crotch of everyone thy encountereth

Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping

Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence and then walk away as if thou hast been offended by me!

Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watchest me eat.

Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 3 a.m.

Thou shalt not WATCHEST the cat while she is in her litterbox. (she liketh her privacy)

Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises

Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thy findeth in the yard

Thou shalt not run away in pursuit of a good time. (thou hast been neutered)

Thou shalt refrain with becoming overly friendly with my mother-in-law’s leg

Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company

Thou shalt not hide thy bones under my pillow.

Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet

Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree

Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.

Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat’s litter box.

Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.

CHURCH BULLETINS

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice..

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.

VIRUS ALERTS

BOBBIT VIRUS:

Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it (But that part will never work again).

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:

Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:

Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism”.

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS:

Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:

Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

FREUDIAN VIRUS:

Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

ELVIS VIRUS:

Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

NIKE VIRUS:

Just does it

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS:

Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS:

Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS:

Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

THE DENNIS RODUMAN VIRUS:

The desktop pattern/picture/colour changes radically every 2 or 3 days.

O J SIMPSON VIRUS:

You know it’s guilty of trashing your system, but you just can’t prove it.

SPEED VIRUS:

Puts a bomb on your Local Bus and threatens to detonate it if it goes below 50 megabits per second.

CAPTAIN KIRK VIRUS:

Your computer. Talks. In short. Sentences. And you. Don’t know why.

BOBBIT VIRUS #2:

Turns your hard drive into a floppy.

FORREST GUMP VIRUS:

You take apart your computer to find nothing but a box of chocolates inside.

ENERGIZER VIRUS:

Once this virus is executed it keeps going and going and going.

LABORATORY SCIENTIST VIRUS:

Runs an experiment that turns your mouse into a rat.

AGRICULTURE VIRUS:

Takes your root directory and lets it grow and branch out into a tree.

JANE FONDA VIRUS:

Attacks your hard drive’s FAT.

WOODY ALLEN VIRUS:

Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

TONYA HARDING VIRUS:

Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons.

THE GENERATION GAP

The Silent Generation are people born before 1946. The Baby Boomers are people born between 1946 and 1959. Generation X are people born between 1960 and 1979. Generation Y are people born between 1980 and 1995.

~~ Why do we call the last one generation Y? ….. a cartoonist explains it eloquently below

(from 1981 National Dog Annual)

EIGHT WORDS with TWO MEANINGS

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.. Female……. Any part under a car’s hood. Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another. Male….. Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n … Female…. The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys..

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n. Female…. A desire to get married and raise a family.! Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.. Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female….. An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male……. A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES

What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Television 2) Telephone 3) Tell a woman

What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me…’

How do you fix a woman’s watch? You don’t. There is a clock on the oven..

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won’t do what she’s told

I married a Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%… It’s called a Wedding Cake.

PADDY THE IRISHMAN … again

Paddy, the Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.’

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs! ‘Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said. ‘Did you follow my instructions?’

The Irishman nodded. ‘I’ll tell you though, by golly, I t’aut I were goin’ to drop dead on dat 3rd day.’ ‘

From the hunger, you mean?’ asked the doctor. ‘

No, from all the skippin’!!!!!!

DOGGIE PRAYER

Now I lay me down to sleep,

The king sized bed is soft and deep.

I sleep right in the center groove,

My human beings can hardly move.

I’ve trapped their legs, they’re tucked in tight,

And here is where I pass the night

No one disturbs me or dares intrude,

Till morning comes and "I want food!"

I sneak up slowly to begin,

And nibble on my human’s chin.

For the morning’s here, it’s time to play…

I always seem to get my way.

So thank you Lord for giving me,

This human person that I see.

The one who hugs me and holds me tight,

And shares their bed with me at night.

(unknown)

AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE

IN GENERAL

1. Never take an open Stubby to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It’s tacky to take an Esky to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Don’t allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one’s OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn’t a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook – especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago.’

3. Establish with her parents what time she’s expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it’s the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your guns are loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn’t always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

LAMENT OF A STUD DOG

My job is making puppies,

I get two tries at that.

They pat me on the head,

Say "good boy" and that’s that.

It’s half my job to give ‘em teeth,

Toplines, fronts, and other.

Remember, it’s only half my job.

They also have a mother.

It’s not my job to carry pups,

Make ‘em grow and nurse ‘em,

Feed and clean, make ‘em strong,

That’s for their mother and a person.

It’s not my job to wean,

Feed the supplements and the food,

Stack, gait and housebreak,

Make ‘em a showing brood.

It’s not my job to plan the breeding,

Learn what produces well.

To study pedigrees, find out what’s there,

What to pick out and what to sell.

It’s not my job to deliver a winner,

t’s only genes I sell.

But let the puppies turn out bad,

And guess who catches hell!

– Author unknown

I am a Nobody.

Nobody is Perfect.

Therefore I am Perfect.

PADDY AGAIN

Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a Coastal village in Ireland . Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works.

He was a man of regular habits. He always arrived home each day at a certain time.

Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.

One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing.

They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt, beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he’d tried to hoist aboard.

Headlines next day in the ‘Irish Times Newspaper’ Said…………………………………..

OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!

THE OUTBACK AUSSIE

Crikey, what a little bewdy! - What a marvellous specimen

What a stinker of a day! - It’s a hot day!

Bog in and have some tucker - Let’s eat

He was spewin’! - Very unhappy/agitated

Take a squiz at this - Have a look

Give it a burl - Go on, try it

As mad as a cut snake - Very angry

Strewth! - What a surprise!

It’s carked it - It’s dead/doesn’t work

Way out to billy-o! - A long way

What a rip-snorter! - It’s fantastic!

Flat out like a lizard drinkin’ - Very busy

We’re up the creek! - In trouble

It’s gone walkabout - It’s lost, can’t be found

She looked like a stunned mullet! - She was shocked

I reckon! - Yes, absolutely

It’s ridgie didge! - Genuine, true

PADDY …. AGAIN

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbour’s dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says ‘To hell with this!’ and storms off. He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks, ‘What did you do?’ Paddy replies, ‘I’ve put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!’

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say ‘Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!’

Paddy says ‘What’s his name?’

Mick replies ‘Miles from London!’

GOD’S FINEST

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day of creation, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the cow) to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

AGELESS

I’ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night" Age 6 I’ve learned that our dog doesn’t want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7

I’ve learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9

I’ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes clean it up again. Age 12 I’ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14

I’ve learned that although it’s hard to admit it, I’m secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15

I’ve learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24

I’ve learned that brushing my child’s hair is one of life’s great pleasures. Age 26

I’ve learned that wherever I go, the world’s worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29

I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30

I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don’t know how to show it. Age 42 I’ve learned that you can make someone’s day by simply sending them a little note. Age 44

I’ve learned that the greater a person’s sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46

I’ve learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47

I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on. Age 48

I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52

I’ve learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 53 I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 55

I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58 I’ve learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage. Age 61 I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62 I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64

I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65

I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66 I’ve learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72

I’ve learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I’ve seen several. Age 75

I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. Age 82 I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch–holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85 I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92

FIRST TIME AT A DOG SHOW

First time at a Dog Show, I’ll tell you quite plain I’ll never, no never, go near one again The breeder said “Show him” when I bought my dog I showed him alright, the whole place was agog.

They gave me a number, they gave me a pin But I couldn’t bear to stick the thing in So I rushed to a shop and bought some clear glue And I stuck the card onto his back in the loo.

We arrived at the ringside to find we were first In the dog pup class (this part is the worst) We marched in together as fas as was able Arrived at the judge who said “Up on the table”.

This really surprised me, my skirt was quite tight And I just couldn’t make it, try as hard as I might The judge looked quite worried, he said “Listen here, Put your dog on the table, not you my dear”

By now I was trembling I felt such a fool But I said to myself “Play it cool… play it cool” “How old” said the judge, I heard it quite clear, Well really, I thought, and said “Thirty next year”.

The Steward poor fellow, threw a kind of a fit, He spluttered, he coughed, and his eyes ran a bit. “I’d have that cough seen to” I said to him when He’d finally stopped … then he started again.

“Once round the ring dear, as fast as you can” Said the judge, so I did, I just ran and ran. But when I arrived (out of breath I’ll admit), The judge said “your DOG dear”, I felt such a twit.

Off round once again, I kept my head bent Oh the shame, my pup crouched, he just went and he went A lady came running with bucket and spade, With manure so pricey, has she got it made!

We came back to the judge who said with a frown “Stand your dog” I said “Please Sir, He’s not lying down” “You can take the First Place Stand” he said … I said “ta” What a job I had getting that stand in the car!

(unknown)

MORE ABOUT THE IRISH SETTER

Head The irish setter head is of great importance – without it the dog loses all expression and bumps into things. Dogs without heads should only be shown under all-rounders – specialist judges tend to notice this failing.

Eyes They should be open, and there should be 2 (two) of them. They should both look in the same direction. If they don’t, train the dog to keep them shut.

Teeth Should be white, and should not stick out too far, or in too much. If they get grey or dirty yellow a mixture of sand and Ajax applied with a wire brush will get them sparkling white in no time. It may make the gums bleed but there is nothing in the Standard about bleeding gums.

Neck The neck should be long, strong and arched, preferably at the head end of the body as there is a common conception that the neck is to join the head to the body. Dogs without necks may suffer from malnutrition due to difficulty in transferring food from the mouth to the stomach region.

Legs The irish setter should have 4 (four) legs, one at each corner. They should be long enough to reach the ground. If they don’t you have a problem. It is also desirable to have all four legs the same length, otherwise the dog will walk with a tilt.

THE NEW AND TRUE IRISH SETTER STANDARD

Appearance The Irish Setter is an active, aristocratic bird dog, rich red in color, substantial yet elegant in build. It has the most incredible sense of humor and should be quite inventive, if not devious, in the antics it can come up with to keep life interesting for an unwitting humun.

Balance At their best, the lines of the Irish Setter so satisfy in overall balance that artists have termed it the most beautiful of all dogs. The correct specimen always exhibits balance, whether standing, sitting, spinning, dashing thorugh mudpuddles after a new bath or circling round and round and round to find the true and correct spot on the sofa.

Each part of the dog flows and fits smoothly into its neighboring parts without calling attention to itself.with possible exception to the tail, which has the uncanny ability to knock over a fresh coffee cup on any coffee table, computer desk, and especially from the cup holder in your new leather-seated vehicle.

Size, Proportion, Substance There is no disqualification as to size. The inherent ability to countersurf and to remove the bag of bread flour shoved way to the back of the counter or to reach the brand new roll of paper towels must not be compromised by a lack of size.

Proportion — the Irish Setter is slightly longer than it is tall. This allows even an average sized setter to be able to stretch up and reach objects like a new bag of rawhide chewies from the top of the refrigerator.

Substance- The Irish has a well-developed skeletal system that is made of of fairly rubbery bones. It can richocet off a kitchen cabinet or stove with style and grace as it chases a tennis ball. This substance is easy confirmed as you become the ricochet wall and go flying to land face-first in said muddy yard when moments ago you were very vertical, waiting for all the potty stops to get done so you can go off to work. The size of the mud puddle is directly proportionate to the price tag on your new suit.

Head Beauty of head is emphasized by delicate chiseling along the muzzle, which is often clearly defined by the delicate little drool bubbles and the amazingly long strand of drool that swings and sways with the dog’s every movement.

Expression soft, yet alert. In the blink of an eye can express begging, pleading and when accompanied with a soft sigh and a chin droop to the human’s knee has the ability to get whatever it wants! Can also switch from soft & alert to down-right gleaming with devilment as the setter suddenly remembers that there is a BLT sandwich on the kitchen counter while it’s foolish human turned to get a beverage from the refrigerator.

Muzzle moderately deep, jaws of nearly equal length, the underline of the jaws being almost parallel with the top line of the muzzle. The lower lips must not have the ability to hold water, each setter must make repetitive trips to the water bucket, drooling and slobbering a minimum of half the bucket over any freshly waxed floor. This standard changes only if there is a new or valuable carpet area ANYWHERE in the house, and then the setter is able to carry approximately 4 cups of water to said area before the flukely flews do their deed.

Feetrather small, very firm, toes arched and close. And must have the power of a jackhammer when your exhuberent little darling decides that you have made the mistake of finding the true and correct spot on the couch. The nimble setter leaps over the arm of the couch landing firmly and squarely on your unprotected stomach with rather small, very firm feet. As you roll up into a ball on the floor, trying to regain your breath, your lovely redhead is going around & around to re-establish that true and correct spot, and once settled down, will reach down and give you a nice wet doggy kiss.

Coat Short and fine on head and forelegs. On all other parts of moderate length and flat. Feathering long and silky on ears; on back of forelegs and thighs long and fine, with a pleasing fringe of hair on belly and brisket extending onto the chest. Fringe on tail moderately long and tapering. The hair coat itself can grow to dramatic lengths, but even the shortest piece of hair has the ability to grow legs and travel rapidly across a kitchen floor to evade the broom. Setter hair also has the ability to grow microscopic wings, enabling it to fly from room to room, as well as from the very back of your car to the driver’s area. It has a strong affinity for ocular moisture, and will invariably slam you right under your upper eyelid as you attempt to merge onto the freeway at rush hour.

Gait At the trot the gait is big, very lively, graceful and efficient. Especially when your freshly bathed, but not yet dry setter escapes his english leash & hits the back doggie door to gambol around the mudholes left from the thunderstorms. There are some properties in mud water that interfere with a setter’s hearing as you scream at him to come back, as well as to his balance, as he repeatedly trips and falls in the deepest, muddiest areas of the yard. And the flips you off with that famous setter grin, and ROLLS in the muck!

Temperament The Irish Setter has a rollicking personality. It has the quickest mind to devise mischievious antics designed to drive it’s humans into fits of hiccuping laughter and well as mutterings of how this particular dog is going cause a human drinking problem. An outgoing, stable temperament is the essence of the Irish Setter. …. HAH!!!! STABLE??? An Irish scoffs at the idea, and then lives each day to convince you that they are anything but! Stable? You want stable? Go get some wood and build one! You can use it to store all your valuable antiques, art work, porcelains and those good oriental carpets.

(reprinted with the kind permission of author Lynne Harley)

♦ We welcome and encourage ALL irish setter show results for publication -
however when submitting please forward ALL awards :
i.e. DCC/BCC/BOB/RUBOB/Reserves/any IN GROUP/IN SHOW placements
______________________________________________________________________________________

Saturday, 2 January 2010

KYNETON & DISTRICT KENNEL CLUB CHAMPIONSHIP SHOW

held in Kyneton, Victoria. Judge : Mrs D Fenton (NSW)

BITCH CHALLENGE/BEST OF BREED/RUNNER UP IN GROUP/JUNIOR IN SHOW

CH EIREANNMADA QUEEN OF ROCK (Browne/Tyler)

BABY PUPPY IN SHOW

EIREANNMADA PARADISE LOST (AI) (Browne/Hunt)

As always, any errors are purely unintentional… please advise of any mistakes for correction
Thank you to all persons submitting show results and/or photos for publication

Fun & Games

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES

PADDY THE IRISHMAN … again

DOGGIE PRAYER

AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE

LAMENT OF A STUD DOG

I am a Nobody.

Nobody is Perfect.

Therefore I am Perfect.

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